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Taking account of me

July 17, 2008

I’m back! I have managed to get over my hang up of needing a reason to blog and decided that all I needed was something to say, and those who know me will know I always have an awful lot to say about a lot of things!

My first topic of the day is accountability. I have had a series of interesting discussions with various friends over the last few months about my past relationships and how I view them. And I came across an interesting blog this morning also talking about accountability.

There are plenty of horror stories and laughs to be had about my experiences with men, but those are reserved for my inner circle only! One of the defining points in the conversations however, was an ‘Aha’ moment I had while I was travelling. It occured to me that after my last ‘near-disaster’/’got a lucky escape’ with a certain American academic, that if I wanted to truly examine what was going wrong in my relationships, then I had to start with the common denominator in all of them….me.

Take a second to imagine how traumatic this realisation might be for a black woman who is all about knowing how superb, fantastic, cultured, beautiful, intelligent, ambitious…etc etc etc….(might also add big-headed!lol!)..she is, has been and always will be!

Well in reality, as I was on the beach in Brazil at the time, with a caipirinha at my side, I think I took it quite well!

Yes, there are those men that fall into the ‘he was just crazy’ bracket (aka the afore-mentioned American), but essentially I believe that I am responsible for every aspect of my life and that means swallowing a major piece of humble pie and accepting that if I have any regrets about my past relationships, then I may just have some blame on how it went down!

So what do you do when you’ve taken a few months to come to terms with this little nugget? Well you take a deep breath and be honest with yourself. Most women know that we often have relationship ‘habits’. We go for the same man in different guises and blame them all for never being what we want them to be. Or we may play games to keep them keen or keep ourselves mysterious and end up screaming that they don’t know who we are.

And then there are the deeper, more secretive things that maybe we find it hard to open up about, things that have much longer lasting affects such as changing who we are to suit the man we are with, or pretending we don’t have a problem with something so as to give this one a chance, when in reality, all we do is batter our own self-esteem and leave ourselves even more confused, unsure of our instincts and victims of emotional warfare that we instigated.

It’s not all doom and gloom though, there is a major light at the end of the tunnel after going through this little process, you realise you are in control of what happens to you, if you’re being misunderstood then maybe you’re misrepresenting, if you keep attracting the wrong type of man, then maybe its time to change your scent! And the nicest thing about this is that you may even become proud of your past relationships. You can actually identify what you’ve learned and what you will ‘no way in hell, someone would have to batter me over the head and drag me by hair’ never allow yourself to go through again! Each one represents a time in your life that you have hopefully evolved from and that doesn’t have to mean failure, it can mean you are hopefully moving forward.

So, after all that wisdom talk, I’ll remind you that I am still a slightly off-beat woman in her mid-twenties who is still very much on her path and has no illusions of ‘having arrived’ as we Nigerians fondly put it! I’m pretty sure my friends will continue to sympathise and wet themselves with laughter when it comes to my encounters with men, but hopefully I won’t repeat the mistakes of the past.

As they say (I’d actually like to know who said this), the biggest fool is the one that fools herself!

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