Dating in the Dark
Dear Black Women,
You are not wanted.
I recently read and commented on this post by a dear friend Why I married a Black Woman, go read it. It’s a beautiful expression of love from a man who is pointing out “why I married a black woman, and why it matters to me” because he doesn’t think it’s talked about enough. Thing is, it looks like black women are pulling a short straw regularly.
It’s been a long developing trend that successful black men tend to gravitate towards lighter complexions and most definitely fairer races (I’m not going to go into the big ole historical discourse thing in this post). It’s gotten a bit extreme in the UK of late with people touting statistics like 50% of black british men are dating outside their race. Now I can’t find the source of this statistic (and I have looked), but annecdotally, I can tell you a thing or two.
One thing I will never understand, is how a man can say he will “never” date within his race. There are black men in the UK who will blatantly say this like it’s the epitome of progress and the future of race relations. It’s one thing to be open to date other races, that is a valid position and one I’m quite happy with. Its quite another to explicitly never date your own race, many will disagree, but to me, it feels like avoiding something you don’t like about yourself and the women in your family and basing that judgment on their skin colour.
Recently, I went to Manchester for a weekend with girlfriends. One night we ended up in a club called Bijou. In Bijou, we were the only black women, but there were an abundance of black men and an even greater number of super-preened Jordan-esque white women. One woman was so happy to see us, she actually called us “The Ebony Crew” telling us just how amazing we were….I’m guessing the rarity of the event got to her. Would have been a great compliment if she hadn’t proceeded to plonk herself on our table and offer us all a line of coke…I digress…
Then this guy told my very light skinned mixed race friend that she is darker than what he would normally go for and she was the lightest in the whole group! We spent the whole night observing guys giving us the “what are you doing here” side-eye. Now before anyone thinks this is about the ego of me and my friends, the issue here was not being ignored, the issue was the opposite. We were treated like intruders. In a packed club with hundreds of people in the middle of Manchester (a pretty racially mixed city), we ended up in the one R’n’B club where no other black woman ever bothered to go.
What’s the answer? Who in the bloody hell knows. I certainly haven’t got a clue.
Interestingly, I came across this article by the US online dating service called OKCupid. They publish a blog where they share data mined from the people who use their websites. Their stats are hilarous and scary all at the same time. I was looking through some old posts and found this one, How your race affects the messages you get. In it, they prove that racial bias is alive in online dating.
Their bottom line is that black women are bottom of the pile when it comes to responses from other races. That’s right, nobody seems to want a black woman. A few of their headlines:
Black women write back the most
White men get more responses (from everybody irrespective of race)
White women prefer white men to the exclusion of everyone else
Men don’t write black women back
White guys are shitty, but fairly even handed about it (everyone gets the same treatment)
Go read, tis quite interesting.