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Dating in the Dark

August 11, 2010

Dear Black Women,

You are not wanted.


All men.


I recently read and commented on this post by a dear friend Why I married a Black Woman, go read it. It’s a beautiful expression of love from a man who is pointing out “why I married a black woman, and why it matters to me” because he doesn’t think it’s talked about enough. Thing is, it looks like black women are pulling a short straw regularly.

It’s been a long developing trend that successful black men tend to gravitate towards lighter complexions and most definitely fairer races (I’m not going to go into the big ole historical discourse thing in this post). It’s gotten a bit extreme in the UK of late with people touting statistics like 50% of black british men are dating outside their race. Now I can’t find the source of this statistic (and I have looked), but annecdotally, I can tell you a thing or two.

One thing I will never understand, is how a man can say he will “never” date within his race. There are black men in the UK who will blatantly say this like it’s the epitome of progress and the future of race relations.  It’s one thing to be open to date other races, that is a valid position and one I’m quite happy with. Its quite another to explicitly never date your own race, many will disagree, but to me, it feels like avoiding something you don’t like about yourself and the women in your family and basing that judgment on their skin colour.

Recently, I went to Manchester for a weekend with girlfriends. One night we ended up in a club called Bijou. In Bijou, we were the only black women, but there were an abundance of black men and an even greater number of super-preened Jordan-esque white women. One woman was so happy to see us, she actually called us “The Ebony Crew” telling us just how amazing we were….I’m guessing the rarity of the event got to her. Would have been a great compliment if she hadn’t proceeded to plonk herself on our table and offer us all a line of coke…I digress…

Then this guy told my very light skinned mixed race friend that she is darker than what he would normally go for and she was the lightest in the whole group! We spent the whole night observing guys giving us the “what are you doing here” side-eye. Now before anyone thinks this is about the ego of me and my friends, the issue here was not being ignored, the issue was the opposite. We were treated like intruders. In a packed club with hundreds of people in the middle of Manchester (a pretty racially mixed city), we ended up in the one R’n’B club where no other black woman ever bothered to go.

What’s the answer? Who in the bloody hell knows. I certainly haven’t got a clue.

Interestingly, I came across this article by the US online dating service called OKCupid. They publish a blog where they share data mined from the people who use their websites. Their stats are hilarous and scary all at the same time. I was looking through some old posts and found this one, How your race affects the messages you get. In it, they prove that racial bias is alive in online dating.

Their bottom line is that black women are bottom of the pile when it comes to responses from other races. That’s right, nobody seems to want a black woman. A few of their headlines:

Black women write back the most
White men get more responses (from everybody irrespective of race)
White women prefer white men to the exclusion of everyone else
Men don’t write black women back
White guys are shitty, but fairly even handed about it (everyone gets the same treatment)

Go read, tis quite interesting.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. judgejay permalink
    August 16, 2010 10:23 pm

    Very very interesting. for latest post on interracial relationships.

  2. August 25, 2010 4:18 pm

    When we speak of this problem, which I acknowledge that it is, I always wonder which type of black man we mean, because around me I see many black African and caribbean families.

    The type of black man who has a no-black-woman-policy, and who emulates his celebrity idols by only going for light skinned or preferably white women, I have no interest in anyway. It’s not a coincidence that these men are always at bars with no black women.

    Basically, I’m not surprised you couldn’t find the statistic about 50% of black british men dating outside their race, I don’t think the number is that high. Some say it’s a media conspiracy to make us believe that black women are ‘undateable’, that even black men don’t want us. This might be too much of a conspiracy theory for me but I do think we are often looking at the wrong type of black man.

    Nice to stop by your cyberhome, thanks for the thought provoking post.

  3. MadHatter89 permalink
    September 14, 2010 7:33 pm

    Kind of late, but I found this interesting. After all this time the “advances” of racial acceptance (sorry, that sounds pretty wrong, but I just got out of a long lecture and I’m sleepy) seem to have hindered the goal of some incredible cultural goodness. (See? I’m too sleepy to be typing right now.) Yeah, now people just are too afraid to say what they could blatantly back in the day; so they say crap behind closed doors and give weird looks when they think the person is not looking. I’d much rather someone be a db to my face than pretend to be nice. On the other hand, the violence of the pre-Civil Rights era was ridiculous. This is utter tomfoolery! I especially find your conclusion of everything snicker-worthy. “What’s the answer? Who in the bloody hell knows. I certainly haven’t got a clue.”

  4. lolobloggs permalink*
    September 19, 2010 3:32 pm

    @judgejay thanks for stopping by!

    @MsAfropolitan I totally agree with you. Despite the hype, I also have so many African and Caribbean families around me, but I also have a lot of increasingly hopeless black women around me too, so what’s going on? That the media is on our case is no surprise, determined not to be part of their stats!

    @MadHatter89 I don’t think there is an answer, overt racism and predjudice gives way to subtle racism and so called ‘preferrences’…lets see where it all ends up eh!

  5. October 14, 2010 9:11 pm

    I totally agree with your opinion, though i didn’t think the statistics were as high as 50%. It’s totally stupid to say you’ll never date anyone who’s the same race as you. Look how difficult it is to find someone to love, then you’re making it worse by eliminating a whole bunch of people. And frankly, that’s just racist.

  6. January 5, 2011 12:23 pm

    Have come across this Blog whilst surfing the net. Very witty entries. Happy New Year to you.
    I’m the mother of a young black man, and he finds some similar attitudes amongst the young black women he comes across- they want white or light skinned guys.
    My son is 6 foot 5 inches, good looking,intelligent…but shy. He easily gets relegated to ‘friend’. I agree with the poster that its unlikely that 50% of black guys only date white women. But I bet there are a lot of lonely young singles of both genders in our community. Surely there must be some groups, events or websites for them? One day- not now, but in the future- I want some grandchildren to pamper and spoil,and a lovely (African, Caribbean) daughter-in-law…

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