I’ve felt like blogging about a million times in the last two weeks and I haven’t. The good part is that I’ve actually felt like blogging!
I’ve mentioned previously that I rely heavily on the catharsis that is outpouring both on this blog and in my private journal (here and here). But when I picked up said journal yesterday, I realised I hadn’t touched it in months! Months! There was dust on it, and the pen I leave within had dried out. Kai!
Am I ok? Actually yes. But also no. You see it’s complex, I’m complex. I totally embrace my complexity in all its forms and I understand that to be at my best I cannot normalise. My blog, my journal and my ex-bff were all my channels and conduits for embracing me. Talk about anything, feel anything, be anything and it’s cool. The best ideas come from that place where nothing is boxed and everything is possible.
I realised the other day there was a strong correlation between the period where I lost my bff and when I started to lose the ability to use my blog and my journal. One channel closed and I became unsure about what to share and do with the others. It’s a no brainer, when you feel exposed and vulnerable, you start to cover everything up. Unfortunately for me, the consequences of this cover up period just weren’t that destructive. And yet everything was different. Did I say I was complex?
My life has continued, my progress has not been hindered and I continue to have amazing experiences everyday. But I have not been embracing as I should. So many things I have done and been through this past year could have been sweeter, richer, more painful, more depressing. Instead of going with it, I normalised and just continued forward. That isn’t the person I want to be.
I’ve been thinking on this for a while, not least because I continue to have people come into my life who hold up a mirror and allow me to see things about myself (thank God for His messengers), but because I am worried that I’m moving to a stage where feeling ok is acceptable, whilst being exceptional is unavailable because my fear of pain and inadequacy has shut down my most creative instincts.
Two things from the interweb (oh ye bringer of light) this week, have helped make this more solid in my head (enough for a blog post anyway).
Yesterday, poet extra-ordinaire Innua Ellams’ twitter stream was given a shout out by Phiona of Afripop. In the 24-hours that made up Thanksgiving (I will not mention genocide…ahem)…he created Thanks Tweeting Day. A day where every 15 minutes he tweeted something he was thankful for. And as his twitter stream came through, I laughed, laughed and then cried (yes, I cried) and came out the other end utterly inspired. I wrote in my journal for the first time in 4 months yesterday, proper catharsis.
“Because I think that feeling groundless is what comes before feeling weak.”
Embracing my complexity means being ok with being weak. Those who know me in the real world know that I come across as a bit of an alpha female (but soft on the inside), so allowing myself to be weak is hard to do, especially when I’m buying into the normalised version of me.
I’m thankful I am who I am. I’m thankful I can see and read the world, that I can feel every emotion that passes through me. I’m thankful that all the good, bad, crappy and awe inspiring things that happen in my life exist, for without them…..nothing would be the same and I wouldn’t be me.
I even give thanks for the small ego moments that I get when I see my blog stats despite quite haphazard posting habits. You, my readers, rock!