My friend died
It’s been a while since I’ve posted. There are many reasons. Life got a hold of me, I didn’t need the release of posting (well I did, but I didn’t know where to start), I was busy, I was over-thinking it. Whatever the causes, I’ve been drawn back here to post because my friend died three weeks ago yesterday.
Yesterday, I did a card reading (caveats here, I’m not a card reading kind of person, but sometimes you follow life) and I got the Godess of Love. She wanted me to know that someone I loved but that was far away, and had possibly recently left the Earth plane, was thinking of me and wanted me to know that they will always be with me. I can only conclude that my friend sent me that card.
I’ve had a letter in my heart that I wanted to write to my friend since I found out she died. It seems odd to write a letter to someone who is no longer here, but the Goddess of Love card also encouraged writing as a way to connect with the emotion. And so I wrote the letter.
I have pondered why I felt the need to post it here and I have drawn (or been led to) one clear conclusion. We all in this world need to stay connected to each other. Respect the agency of others, but follow your instincts when it comes to loved ones, our mental, emotional and spiritual health can be so fragile. We should show those who we love that we appreciate them, for all their faults and issues, that they can turn to us, however late, however low they get. You never know when you could be the difference between someone giving up and them finding a reason to stay alive.
You took yourself away, you were hurting so much you decided there was only one option for you to find peace. I hope you have found it. I hope you can see clearly now, I hope that love has found it’s way back to your heart. You never left mine.
I think about you often, every time something happens that I need to share. Good, bad, funny, you were the one person I could call with any kind of random story, no logic, just to share. You always understood exactly what I meant.
When you and I met, I was still developing my personality, I was 18 and had a million personas which I wore at different times. You knew who you were, you stood grounded in who you were. I admired you for that and it inspired me to figure out who I was. We fought a lot in the early years. As I consolidated who I was, we rubbed each other up the wrong way, becoming opposites in many ways. But we always made up. We always had a connection. I never understood why we fought that last time.
When we stopped talking, I felt like I was going through a divorce. I was depressed, I kept playing with your telephone number not quite able to delete it. I stalked your now de-friended Facebook profile wanting to see if any piece of information trickled through. I don’t think I was as heartbroken with ex-boyfriends, but then, you were there to help me through. When we stopped talking, I lost the one person I could turn to for anything. We put other friends, our closest friends in a difficult position so I couldn’t turn to them without betraying you or endangering your relationships with them. I felt conscious you needed people, but I had to accept that you didn’t want me.
What I know now, the things I understand now, it makes me question why I was so quick to accept what I knew felt wrong. But I cannot blame myself, anymore than I can blame you. I will never know what you went through these last few years, the things I hear seem alien to me. When I found out you died, my heart broke again. I always thought we would make up like we always did. I didn’t know this time was different. The knowledge of your passing has been the hardest truth I’ve ever had to accept in this life, I’ll be honest, I’m still working on it.What I do know, and why I write this letter is that I would not be who I am without you.
You were one of my soulmates in this lifetime. Your spiritual sense inspired mine and gave me confidence to explore. Your intelligence made me brave enough to learn about my identity, my past, my present. Your emotional strength introduced me to authors and books that changed my life. You gifted me The Alchemist. Without it, I would never have gone travelling. Without it, I wouldn’t be where I am today. Without you I wouldn’t be who I am today.
I can only conclude that you are an angel. You may even be one of my guardian angels, time will tell. Your heart was too big for this world, you felt too deeply, you hurt too long and ultimately became consumed by thoughts, feelings and emotions that were not true to your soul.
I thank you for the blessings you left in my life. I think I understand your legacy and the role I will play. I didn’t take becoming a godmother lightly, I will look after your daughter as if she is my own. She is young, but I will tell her the stories of her mother, of your will, of your energy and spirit.
Goodnight my darling, we will see each other again when it is my time.