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Brain Dump: Hope, forgiveness, moving, nominations and training!

August 13, 2013

It’s been a while (again), I seem to find myself here at odd times of a year, no longer the weekly blogger, much more the needy (read guilty) blogger. As I write, I’m sat in an airport lounge, facing a flight delay which won’t see me get home till 1am, contemplating cancelling my first appointment at 7.30…the very fact that its a contemplation rather than a decision marks a true step change in where I am.

I have hope. I’ve found that through all the tough aspects of the last 6 months and year in general, I have hope. I know that whatever comes my way I can have hope and I am proven right in my hope time and time again. Last weekend, I got to spend a full 3-days with my Goddaughter. When My Friend Died I went through a myriad of emotions. I felt guilt, I felt hurt, I felt defeated, I felt broken, but last weekend marked a significant change in those unfamiliar feelings of despair.

I was separated from my Goddaughter when my friend and I argued, despite it all I always had hope that one day, we would go back to where we were and my two favourite people would once again be part of my daily life. When my friend died, I lost that hope, I felt that my instincts had failed me and I had judged everything poorly. As I learn more about the circumstances of her passing, I understand that I cannot hold myself responsible for what happened. As I get to know the amazing young girl that is my Goddaughter, I recognise that I was right to have hope. She is the embodiment of her mother. Her energy, her expressions, her character, her artistic spirit and her unshakeable love for me, despite all that she must remember (she is 9, so she knows enough) gives me hope. We share memories of her mother, her attitude to hearing these stories, her wisdom in knowing that although all was not right, her time with her mother was special gives me even more hope. In turn, I know that she, along with my future children and all things that make me happy give me hope that my pains are worth it, the gains are there so long as I take time to appreciate the big and the small things.

This week also marks a significant stage in my life. In addition to dealing with the grief of mourning and the stress of new responsibilities at work, I’ve also been working on forgiveness. Forgiveness of myself and forgiveness of a significant person in my life, one whom I have had to accept will never acknowledge the wrongs they have done. I’ve learnt that forgiveness is special, its yours to embrace. No-one can keep it from you if you are willing to let it in. Hate, anger, even seeking closure are distractions, forgiveness is about strength. And don’t get me wrong, it will be tested. I am to be tested this week. I am to confront the person I have forgiven for the first time since I undertook my journey. I decided I did not need this person to be involved in my path to clearing my heart of hate, but yet this week, I have to look that person in the eye and be honest with them about my feelings. I have to really walk the walk and speak truth into my feelings. Time will tell how much impact this meeting will have on me, as things stand, I feel strong, I feel able and I feel open. Hopefully I’ll be back next week with only positive things to say.

In other news, Alan and I are moving house. Have I mentioned how much I hate moving house? Yeah. Thankfully it’s only 3 minutes up the road. Given the short distance, I’m seriously considering getting one of those companies who come, pack your house, move you, then unpack you at your destination, that would be nice eh?!

So, despite my complete lack of posts over the last two years, I was nominated for a blog award. A Liebster Blog award to be precise, given to those who have a small number of followers but who are worth a highlight. There are no judges, there is no physical award, just a notification that you are someone’s favourite blog (Leibster means favourite in German). So thank you to NaijaBrit88 for my nomination. I’m grateful that I am still getting views given my rather sloppy posting habbits. There are rules around accepting the award (personal info, nominating others) and I shall handle those in a separate blog post.

Finally, I want to give a shout out to my personal trainer ESINPT. I’ve known Esin for a long time now and have joked that I would have to go into training to train with him. The guy is SERIOUS, are you hearing me? SERIOUS! Train with Esin if you’re not just in it for a fad diet. Train with Esin if you’re looking for a long term holistic overhaul of your thinking, eating and training. Train with Esin if you care how your money is spent (don’t complain about the cost of a PT if you’ve wasted months of gym membership without going!). Basically, just train with Esin. And if you can’t afford to get a PT just yet, boost yourself up with some of his blog posts and motivational posts on Facebook. He doesn’t ramp. My butcheeks are thanking him and his fellow PT pratitioners for their renewed firmness. Maybe I will make it to our 7.30am session in Regents Park after all….

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